Home for the holidays and never before in my life have I ever felt more alone, no - more… individual. Or simply separate. From everybody else.
I now lay crammed inside my parents’ room because my sister’s already reclaimed my old room and turned it into her office. Most of my friends are still at least some 500+ miles away and I’m about to pass up a day of river rafting with old buddies just because.
I don’t know. Just now, everything feels strangely transient.
I guess after a bit of time, even though I’d hate being called cynical, it’s not that hard to warm up a bit to the fact that feelings; regardless of how genuine or incredible they are, are all to some degree, just transient. But it’s an entirely different kind of realization when it dawned on me that the whole idea that everyone; friends… your own family - may all just be passers by - happy chance companions in your own little life. It’s quite an overwhelming idea, actually. I imagine this feeling being a close cousin to how it must feel turning atheist.
This feels alienating. Lonely.
Like all of a sudden, I am detached. From everything. >plook<
And I float around like a cork stopper lost at sea, dislodged, disconnected, untethered. Bobbing bizarrely and never quite able to stay perfectly dry or go fully under.
It’s unsettling. I might add, probably quite a bit annoying.
Sort of like having to live off of a suitcase for the rest of your life. Like anytime, you’re gonna have to pick up and go but you don’t know when or how soon or where you’re off to next.
I really like the sound of wooden drawers. And by golly, am I in love with body pillows and fresh sheets, and the siren singing of freshly cooked buttery food.
I have no idea what brought me on to type this out some two nights ago because right the next day I was up and about and having bellinis with dad. Actually, quite giddy overall about being home and seeing everybody and eating everything. Haha. Hello everybody! I missed you!
(But I guess, like I said, this must have been at least instantaneously true.)